Jan 7, 2009

Last Friday Shiela’s friends gathered for some a little bit of a reunion, Grace, Milo, Christy, Maraba and a lesbian of some sort. and Grace’s boyfriend Brand Maraba’s boyfriend Ronnel.

We went to Lilo-an in a beach not that beautiful, never did like the beach in Lilo-an, and Compostela quite dirty. Plus added to the bad weather because we were having a typhoon.

The reunion went well they were reminiscing there past. High school to college, I think they have not seen each other for about 3 years I think. It’s quite a while.

Jan 6, 2008 Shiela’s dad and her sister Hazel arrived from Manila. As always I sense a bit of jealousy with Shiela. I just don’t understand why. To me she’s just like a sister. I feel comfortable with Hazel, I don’t know about Hazel towards me. I really wanted to get close to her not to have her as a girlfriend but someone I can talk to. When Shiela and I in a fight. There’s no one I can talk to to explain things to blow things out. It’s really hard when your having a problem and there is no one you can talk to. Especially that I don’t trust anybody that fast. I always believed in my instict.

Jan 1,2009 part 2

I just had my day not doing what I was planning. To exercise, but instead I cleaned my room and it took me 5 hours to do it. Not because it’s big or something but the hard part was looking for the trash and the valuable. But at the end of the day as I cooked myself for my dinner it was satisfying. Then as I was looking at yahoo.com and I have read a certain article that states.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION CAN BE BAD FOR YOU.

AWTS!!! I was just doing my resolution last 1 am ago and it did shock me but as I read about it.

LONDON (AFP) – - Making self-improvement New Year’s resolutions often leaves people feeling worse, the British mental health charity Mind has warned.

Mind urged people not to make resolutions focusing on physical imperfections — such as attempting to lose weight — because they create a negative self image and lead to feelings of low self-esteem, hopelessness and even mild depression.

And when such optimistic resolutions fail, that could spark feelings of inadequacy and failure, the charity warned.

“New Year’s resolutions can sometimes focus on our problems or insecurities such as being overweight, feeling unhappy in our jobs or feeling guilty about not devoting enough time to friends and family throughout the year,” said Mind chief executive Paul Farmer.

“We chastise ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and set unrealistic goals to change our behavior, so it’s not surprising that when we fail to keep resolutions, we end up feeling worse than when we started.

“In 2009, instead of making a New Year’s resolution, think positively about the year to come and what you can achieve.”

Mind suggested resolution-makers focus instead on being active, connecting with nature, learning something new and working for ones community.

I kind agree but I rather do it both. resolution and thinking positively quite a fact. But I guess it will also depend on my perseverence. I guess I have to start on  Monday

Jan 1,2009 1:29am

I did not celebrate New year for 2 good reason. 1 in our religion today is not New years day 2. Because I fell I have done nothing to celebrate with. It’s like another year. But this year I’ll make it to a point where I will make a difference. Every now and then I will monitor myself thru blog. I will make a difference, I have to change my life I should now give priority to myself, my health. Tomorrow God’s will I’m still a live I’ll see to it that I will exercise everyday. Although it’s 1:32am but I just wanted to start a new life today. But anything else. I thank God for keeping me safe for the past year. Thank you. I should also try to blog every now and then. Anything I need to release I go right here.

I though….

After going to kristine agency for UK. I was with her bestfriend Grace we were talking things and I even saw Shiela’s elder sister. And also Shiela saw her sister. Shiela was like being interview but the agency about what she would do and the requirements in going to UK.

As we go home to test the last examination, the pregnancy test…

and…

I’m shaking..

3 to 4 mins seems to be a day…

one line..

then…

then..

then…

one line ONLY yahoooooooooooooo………………….

Thank you so much. For giving me enough time to prepare I mean I’m not yet ready financially and mentally.

And I told Her I made a packed, no  sex and masturbation for 1 month starting today Nov.14 to DEC 14… it’s quite a long day.

What if

I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think and what to say.

Just this afternoon after my school at CCA I went to Main to meet with my Baby, we were laughing, we eat at lumpia house at the back of Gaisano Main. Then we talk about how her elder sister had change, especially after knowing that the payment for the Tesda exam is only 500 but supposedly it was 1500 but even the discount, she was still short and like after the exam yesterday although she had passed there Tesda exam for the caregiver. Shiela feel as though her parents were not happy for her success because of the stupid 1500. As we go home, we were at BDO at SM waiting for a jeep to go to Lacion. She mentioned about her parents had been watching her stomach as if there were thinking that she is pregnant. Even Shiela thinks she is. She mentioned, but I were why did I not have any symptoms like vomiting and many more. And now in my house we were still texting and she said she feel dizzy and vomiting.

The question in my mind now is….

What am I gonna do If She is.

Having a baby

I don’t have any plan of having a baby yet. I’m not yet ready. financially and mentally. becoming a father is not something you’ll learn in a day. Being a father comes a great responsibility,not just in financial which I don’t have. Mentally? not that ready. I have encountered many children from my uncle’s siblings to Shiela’s sisters.  But I did not have that exposure, but i have an idea. I guess this thing that in my mind is due to being immature.

It’s really hard, I am not ready. I needed more time more things to do. It’s not her fault it’s mine. I guess we just love having sex all the time. Eventhough I no longer have the strength but still as long my dick ereck then just push it in.

just a month ago, my baby did not have her monthly period, and it’s quite shocking for us I mean, it’s been a year that her period where normal. I said to her maybe it’s nothing. Were scared but we have accepted it. if it’s really there or not we have accepted the idea. But after her exam in tesda this coming Tuesday. I guess this is it.

I guess this is my new life.I guess I have to move on.

What a week

Last November 2 was the birthday of Hazel Joy, The sister of my baby. Although I don’t wanna be there after what happened just a few weeks. I did manage to go there  because HJ texted me and apologized in behalf of her sister for what had happened and she even reminded me of her birthday. So i kept my promise and did went. As I was there I was like fuck why did I bother coming, but it was not just Hj 18th birthday but it was also Samantha Trisha’s Baptismal. So I was quite shock after knowing I was Trisha’s godfather. I was not prepared I was just wearing short come on I thought I was just gonna drive them to the church. So after  that As HJ went out I smiled,hug and kiss her in the chick. I greeted happy birthday and i said I guess your quite a grown up now, she laugh and said “Dagang Guwang” Old Teen,

We went to a swimming pool in Lilo-an It was not that quite good because the pool wasn’t that deep it’s more likely to be for kids. But the best part being there was learning myself to submerge. Dammm I actually lie down as if I was lying in a bed,the feeling was unexplainable. I manage to learn to swim like pro. LOL.

The most exciting about this day was that all of her family knows that Lady had given birth. From ate Leah to Jr. They have now learn the truth. So i guess there’s no more reason to be hiding.

but the past few weeks was not good I mean, I was not having an internet connection for a bout a week come on what’s with globe.

WTF…!!!!

Fuck the hell out of you sicko. Fuck you for telling me “tell me how much does it cost me just to finish the damm video? well fuck you bitch. You can’t fucking afford me if you still pay me with my service you ass hole you son of a bitch. Like fuck you for telling me so. for putting my baby in the state of shame you mother fucking retard no good fucking you shit you bitch ass hole mother fucker…your the most shit no good for nothing mother fucking ass hole you are….

words cannot describe the hatred that is within my heart right now. Just thinking it makes my nerves go wild. I mean I know I have made mistake from forgetting of making the project. I know it’s my mistake but telling me how much does it cost you to make me finish the project and telling me that I am making myself to needed. Well Here this MOTHER FUCKER BITCH YOU ARE… HELL FUCKING SHIT..YOU CAN’T AFFORD ME MOTHER FUCKING SHIT BITCH YOU ARE. NOT EVEN YOUR LOUSY LIFE CAN AFFORD ME BITCH YOU ARE..FUCKING RETARD YOU ARE…LOOK AT YOURSELF YOU LIKE A BITCH THAT HAVE BEEN GANG RAPE AND FUCK BY DOGS..YOU LOUSY BITCH….

And the thing that I hate most was putting my baby in the state of shame in front of many people what the fuck where you thinking bitch. you just ruined the day you shit…..

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I finally made my felling calm down…it’s really cool to somewhat release the pain within yourself…

What is the meaning of life?

What’s the significance of life? Who are we?
Is human life just a dream, from which we never really awake, as some great thinkers claim? Are we submerged by our feelings, by our loves and hates, by our ideas of good, bad, beautiful, awful? Are we incapable of knowing beyond those ideas and feelings?

Listen to Shakespeare and Joseph Conrad:

We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep…
William Shakespeare, The Tempest (Folger Shakespeare Library)

A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls into the sea.
Joseph Conrad, Lord Jim (Penguin Classics)

Is the reality we know a reality imposed to us by nature? Is the reality and the meaning of life a creation of men, such as music, or love or colors (science tells us that there isn’t such things as music, harmony or colors in the physic world. Just traveling molecules: «There is not, external to us, hot or cold, but only different velocities of molecules; there aren’t sounds, callings, harmonies, but just variations in the pressure of the air; there aren’t colours, or light, just electro-magnetic waves», said H. Von Foerster.).

Are we – and all living beings – just «survival machines, blindly programmed to preserve the selfish molecules known as genes», as Richard Dawkins states? Are we incapable of knowing beyond the frames imposed to us by nature?

Is there any significance for life in a Universe of billions of stars that ignore us? Is there any significance for life in an Universe whose dimensions and nature overcome our understanding?

Listen to the words of Pascal, in the seventeenth century:

«When I consider the short duration of my life, swallowed up in the eternity that lies before and after it, when I consider the little space I fill and I see, engulfed in the infinite immensity of spaces of which I am ignorant, and which know me not, I rest frightened, and astonished, for there is no reason why I should be here rather than there. Why now rather than then? Who has put me here? By whose order and direction have this place and time have been ascribed to me?»
Pensees (Penguin Classics)

This site is about these themes, and the thoughts they create.

Love and cruelty on our lives
Love gives meaning to our lives – as do friendship, or art or faith in God. These are factors of true happiness, of inner peace, of feelings of harmony, allowing meaning to our existence.

But there is the other side. There is the cruelty of life, the pain, the evil, not to talk of death. They are the hidden tigers, ambushed and ready to attack the imprudent, to use an image present in the Buddhist Scriptures.

Is between these pendulums – the positive, the one that gives happiness and meaning, and the negative – that our lives are lived. And when we meditate about all that, we arrive at a diverse and disagreeing set of thoughts about the meaning and purpose of life.

this quote touches me. Great writer

Many more days to go

I’m so happy having more time with my baby at least now I can somehow spent liitle time with her. It should have been this day that she will go to Dubai but luckily she was stop because she still needs to apply for a passport and she did, but she have to wait for 15 working days so counting, it maybe somewhere end of May. It’s still close but at least I still somehow share things with her.

Just this 15 of May her father and mother where in a fight. It all started when her mother read a text message from a girl in her husband cellphone that state,” Are you a sleep? good night, mwah.” her mother went into a rage. Which is reasonable enough. But at the end the one being bash was her mother. Tiffany and Joy where outside peeking as there mother and father quarreled. Joy keep shouting that let them get inside but the door to there store was shut from the inside. Joy have witness how her father keep pulling her mother and crying. Her elder sister tiffany tried to stop them but her father said he would should them all and shoot himself afterwards, tiffany said if so, then let me be first. Joy text Len there elder sister. But after that later that morning, Joy saw, as if there was no trace of quarrel.